Monthly Archives: December 2013

Why I over eat….

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I think I was destined to be screwed up.  My mom was a typical “church girl” sang in the choir, was at church almost every day of the week.  In fact, my mother was a virgin when she met my dad.  My dad, whew, my dad.  My dad was the baby and he never met his real dad.  He lied his way into the army at 17, from there I think he just shacked up with women.  By the time he met my mom, I don’t think he’d ever lived on his own.  When he and my mother found out she was pregnant, he disappeared for three days.  My mom was devastated.  When he came back, they decided to get married, it was the right thing to do of course.

I know my dad worked for Conrail when I was a baby but was laid off.  From as far back as I can remember, we lived poor but I was a happy kid, especially after my brother was born, with his big head.  We moved twice more before settling on Oakwood.  It was here that I experienced the epitome of poor.  We had no hot water, no lights and we had mice.  It was a duplex so our neighbor would let us run an extension cord from her place to ours and we used water from her hot water tank for washing and bathing.  I went to school everyday in the winter smelling like kerosene, when we were able to get some that is.  We all huddled in my parents room to sleep.  Since we didn’t have electricity, we had to keep our food on our front porch in our barbeque pit, this also kept it away from the mice.  I can remember being so hungry and envious of my friends when they got called in the house or dinner.  I also remember developing an intense hate for bologna.

Right before my mom died, we were able to move to a much better place with the basic necessities and we were all soo happy.  I remember my mom and I taking turns taking baths, she bought a bunch of Avon for us so we could smell good.

I said all this to say that I think I over eat because I’m afraid that something will happen and I will be hungry again.  I don’t know how to stop, it’s like I have to eat because it’s there like it’ll disappear if I don’t…

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A revelation!

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Today’s weigh in was depressing….182…..that’s my highest weight being that I’m not pregnant. I grew up watching my mom exercise and eat right or she tried to. I watched her weight go up and down until she finally got her husband on board and they lost weight together doing the Atkins diet, so being health conscious was a part of my life. I succeeded over the years keeping my weight in check, until recently. Being married to a man 6 years younger than me who has taken me through hell and back and back again has finally taken its toll on me. No one ever told me love would make me lose myself, find her again, and struggle to hold on to her. The constant arguing, the lies, the unreliability, the baggage we both brought into this marriage, the codependency, the cheating we both did, etc etc it has finally broken the surface of my strong exterior….I developed a shell and I stayed in it. Can’t hurt me if I don’t let you in. Can’t judge me if you don’t know what’s going on. No one needed to know how much I was going through I’m trying to sell books. I’m too far from my family, too far from my real friends, my marriage is taking hits, my kids are acting out…no don’t tell  no one….just keep it to yourself…..its okay to eat out for lunch then eat out for dinner, then drink, and sit down ..and there it is..my revelation……but I’m in a different state of mind now…I have my mom back and I have God in my corner….I am a different woman now..I’m not alone…I’m not afraid to be open and reveal ME….I’m not scared or lonely anymore…so now the physical weight has to go…..

Aside

I weighed myself today…. Not a fun experience. I am 200 lbs, heavier than I’ve ever been and definitely heavier than I want to be. this is such a self esteem killer. Even though my husband says he loves me just the way I am, I don’t love me. I feel fat, ugly, and disgusting. My clothes dont fit, even my underwear is uncomfortable. This is not what I want for myself, I want to be happy and healthy, so starting now I begin to change me. I always prided myself on my appearance, being cute, being thin.  My mother always did too, critically so.  She was always my biggest cheerleader when I was little and able to fit into anything I wanted, because she was always thin and cute in her youth, even after having all of her kids she was able to drop right back down.  She only got up to 150 lbs. during her pregnancies.   It wasnt until after her hysterectomy that she gained weight and could no longer lose it.  So beginning with my first pregnancy, I gained 60 lbs., and weighed 198 lbs. when I delivered.  All during my pregnancy, I heard “Girl, that baby is doing you wrong!  I was cute during my pregnancies, your nose has spread, your neck getting black!  Ooh, you need to hurry up and have that baby!”  Of course, this did nothing for my self esteem.  Fortunately, after my first two, I was able to bounce right back and get my shape back.  But…along comes baby number 3, and all my weight issues.  Seven years later, I still haven’t lost the weight, in fact, I’m even heavier, and my mom tells me I’m a “big girl”.  Every pound I gain, It’s like she can see it and she lets me know about it.  She even has comments about my daughter, whose nowhere near fat, but not in my mom’s eyes.  I know she loves me, that’s not even a question, but this isn’t constructive criticism, it has the opposite effect.  So mom, this journey that I am about to embark on, even though I’m sure you’ll be proud of the final results, has nothing to do with you.  It’s about me wanting to be a better me, for my daughters and for myself.  You no longer control my self esteem, I am taking that back once and for all.

Let’s just lay it all out there….