Aside

I weighed myself today…. Not a fun experience. I am 200 lbs, heavier than I’ve ever been and definitely heavier than I want to be. this is such a self esteem killer. Even though my husband says he loves me just the way I am, I don’t love me. I feel fat, ugly, and disgusting. My clothes dont fit, even my underwear is uncomfortable. This is not what I want for myself, I want to be happy and healthy, so starting now I begin to change me. I always prided myself on my appearance, being cute, being thin.  My mother always did too, critically so.  She was always my biggest cheerleader when I was little and able to fit into anything I wanted, because she was always thin and cute in her youth, even after having all of her kids she was able to drop right back down.  She only got up to 150 lbs. during her pregnancies.   It wasnt until after her hysterectomy that she gained weight and could no longer lose it.  So beginning with my first pregnancy, I gained 60 lbs., and weighed 198 lbs. when I delivered.  All during my pregnancy, I heard “Girl, that baby is doing you wrong!  I was cute during my pregnancies, your nose has spread, your neck getting black!  Ooh, you need to hurry up and have that baby!”  Of course, this did nothing for my self esteem.  Fortunately, after my first two, I was able to bounce right back and get my shape back.  But…along comes baby number 3, and all my weight issues.  Seven years later, I still haven’t lost the weight, in fact, I’m even heavier, and my mom tells me I’m a “big girl”.  Every pound I gain, It’s like she can see it and she lets me know about it.  She even has comments about my daughter, whose nowhere near fat, but not in my mom’s eyes.  I know she loves me, that’s not even a question, but this isn’t constructive criticism, it has the opposite effect.  So mom, this journey that I am about to embark on, even though I’m sure you’ll be proud of the final results, has nothing to do with you.  It’s about me wanting to be a better me, for my daughters and for myself.  You no longer control my self esteem, I am taking that back once and for all.

Let’s just lay it all out there….

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