Why I over eat….

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I think I was destined to be screwed up.  My mom was a typical “church girl” sang in the choir, was at church almost every day of the week.  In fact, my mother was a virgin when she met my dad.  My dad, whew, my dad.  My dad was the baby and he never met his real dad.  He lied his way into the army at 17, from there I think he just shacked up with women.  By the time he met my mom, I don’t think he’d ever lived on his own.  When he and my mother found out she was pregnant, he disappeared for three days.  My mom was devastated.  When he came back, they decided to get married, it was the right thing to do of course.

I know my dad worked for Conrail when I was a baby but was laid off.  From as far back as I can remember, we lived poor but I was a happy kid, especially after my brother was born, with his big head.  We moved twice more before settling on Oakwood.  It was here that I experienced the epitome of poor.  We had no hot water, no lights and we had mice.  It was a duplex so our neighbor would let us run an extension cord from her place to ours and we used water from her hot water tank for washing and bathing.  I went to school everyday in the winter smelling like kerosene, when we were able to get some that is.  We all huddled in my parents room to sleep.  Since we didn’t have electricity, we had to keep our food on our front porch in our barbeque pit, this also kept it away from the mice.  I can remember being so hungry and envious of my friends when they got called in the house or dinner.  I also remember developing an intense hate for bologna.

Right before my mom died, we were able to move to a much better place with the basic necessities and we were all soo happy.  I remember my mom and I taking turns taking baths, she bought a bunch of Avon for us so we could smell good.

I said all this to say that I think I over eat because I’m afraid that something will happen and I will be hungry again.  I don’t know how to stop, it’s like I have to eat because it’s there like it’ll disappear if I don’t…

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